


i can't take the fall

by palladium



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-04
Updated: 2012-05-04
Packaged: 2017-11-04 19:29:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/397382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palladium/pseuds/palladium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaner doesn't know what to do and he doesn't really want to do anything, so he just stands there, letting Johnny hold up his weight, hold up <em>him</em>, because Kaner's more than sure he can't hold himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't take the fall

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize because the setting of this is sort of late but yeah. also sad kaner = me writing random stuff about kaner and his feelings about hockey
> 
> title from inconsolable by backstreet boys.

Kaner seriously thought someone took a knife and jabbed him in the throat when the buzzer rang. The signal that it was over for the second time since they'd won it all. And it felt horrible. He received a 10 minute misconduct beforehand as well, so that didn't help at all to swallow the giant lump forming in his throat and promising to stay until all his emotions were cleared. Kaner wanted to die in a hole and never come out. He wished it was a dream, a nightmare. He'd rather be wallowed in his own bed, drowning in a massive hangover, than have to stand out on the ice at that moment, in front of their fans, holding his stick up as a salute.  
  
The first thing he did was skate to Johnny, because he's the captain, and also because Kaner's been basically the greatest friends with Johnny ever since the beginning of the world, and tapped him on the leg. He tried blinking. He tried thinking of happy and funny things. Like that time Sharpy tripped over the carpet at the bar. And that joke he read online the other day. He tried ignoring the scenery plastered in front of him: the way his teammates all had their heads down in confusion and disappointment, and the way the Coyotes skated off one by one to join their team in celebratory glow. Kaner tried not to think.  
  
Johnny tapped him back once, twice, three times though, and Kaner was done, his head down and trying not to let the tears fall. Johnny leaned in close and whispered, his voice suddenly the only thing Kaner could hear: "You did great, Kaner."  
  
Kaner doesn't agree.

*

Johnny follows Kaner home and parks behind him, walking up to where Kaner's waiting for him, and it's quiet between them, speechless almost, and they let the silence speak for them.

Kaner lets them into his house, and once the door is closed, Johnny wraps his arms carefully around Kaner, and Kaner flinches a little but lets Johnny press their bodies close. Kaner doesn't know what to do and he doesn't really want to do anything, so he just stands there, letting Johnny hold up his weight, hold up  _him_ , because Kaner's more than sure he can't hold himself.

He wants to cry, he feels like he will, but he doesn't because he doesn't know if he should. He's in a mix of feeling tired and also empty, he just wants to sleep it off, let it sink in, and let it go. But he know it doesn't go that easily. It hurts to know, hurts to feel. It was a tough series they probably wouldn't have been able to battle back all the way from, but it would definitely not hurt to try. And Kaner's just, so disappointed with himself, with his wrist, with his abilities; and he's so close to questioning his value for this team. He doesn't know if he'd be useful.

Johnny makes him feel different. He holds Kaner close like he's scared of losing him, but at the same time, Kaner doesn't know if it's because Johnny's trying to say his time is up. No one has talked to him about it yet, but he was the reason, or one of the main reasons they probably lost that game.

Kaner can feel Johnny's lips close to his ear, and he's weightless and light and barely able to think straight when Johnny whispers, gently, "It's okay." And Kaner wants to believe it, wants to believe every word, but he know it isn't.

Kaner wants to snap. He wants to punch Johnny, he wants to shove him. He wants to push him out the door and leave him outside until morning. He wants to ask "why are you doing this?" but he can't speak. He won't. He doesn't trust himself to know that if he will, would he be able to handle the response.

So all he does is grab onto Johnny's jacket and buries his face in his chest, inhaling Johnny's scent and his body wash,  _everything_ ; and he tries to say he doesn't want to let go. He doesn't want to let go of this, of Johnny, of the team. It doesn't get past his lips. His eyes are watery and for the first time in a long while, Kaner wants to let all his emotions out and not care about anything else. He wants to be able to hold onto Johnny and cry, and tell him how much he wants and how much he wishes he was okay.

"Johnny," is all he can manage through his lips though, and even his voice doesn't sound like him. He tightens his grip on Johnny's jacket and tries to wish everything away. Johnny's body is warm and solid and it lifts Kaner's up, and his arms are secure around Kaner's waist, but he does it as gentle as possible, almost as if he's afraid of breaking him.

Kaner really wants to just get so drunk so he doesn't have to think about anything, but he can't, because he's tired and just done with everything. He wants to wrap himself in his bed sheets and bury himself inside until the morning bursts through and asks him to get up.

Johnny seems to think the same though, because he says, "Come on, Kaner," and lifts Kaner up and takes him to Kaner's couch, arranging them both comfortably into the wide space of it, and Johnny throws an arm around Kaner's waist and keeps it there. Kaner shifts closer to him and curls his arms close to his chest, letting the thin shirt of Johnny's caress his cheek, and the strong scent of Johnny's soap and detergent and just  _Johnny_ , to finally make him close his eyes and forget about everything.

Because Johnny just might be the only one who can catch Kaner when he's falling.


End file.
